Sprialing In a New Painting

I have been very sick for a few days, which is unusual for me. Rarely do I get sick even though everyone around me is. I fully surrendered to it this time around, and slept for almost three days straight. I had several dreams, but there is one that stood out. It had to do with painting; a painting that we all take part in through our life.

I saw everyone being born into the center of a spiral. In this place, everyone was still fully connected with the Divine and their true nature. However, as life began to develop, each and everyone of us began to walk around the spiral outwards away from our center. There were different stops along the way for all of us where an image was painted onto us by others or situations we experienced. We let these images be painted onto us, because we were trying to survive, learn or simply we wanted to please the ones we love in our life. We were given instructions by the adults in our life that told us how to behave and what to do, and we accepted those instructions into our lives; thus adding more to the mosaic that others were creating for us.

As we progressed along in our lives, we started adding to the painting ouselves every time we heard or spoke the word "should" regarding how to live our lives. Each time something new gets added to this painting, we get further and further away from who we really are and what we are really supposed to do with our lives while here. All of the colors used are muddy with some brilliant splashes of color here and there as we briefly connect with who we really are.

Something happens that wakes some of us up, and we turn towards the center of the spiral. We begin walking back towards our true nature spiraling in, and we start peeling off all of those muddy colors. Things become clearer, and we choose brighter, richer colors to paint ourselves with as we become reacquainted with who we really are.

If we are lucky, in this life, we make it back to the very center of who we are, and oh my goodness, the paintings I saw were so amazing. They were beyond what any human could ever try to create. I woke up in tears at the beauty I saw and the inner potential that we all hold within. We truly can be amazing the moment we begin to let go of everyone else's definitions of who we are and try to figure it all out on our own. Then I saw how this once again spirals out and causes so much of life to heal and find balance again....

Surrender those masks, let go of those "should's"....and begin painting/dreaming in a better way of life.

Fire....

I have always been fascinated by fire. There is so much power in it....the power that creates such destruction yet creates new life. I fought fires for years in the forests, and I found myself at times standing there in absolute awe of what it created. It is a living being that creates the conditions it needs to live. A fire, when it gets big enough, can generate its own wind storms, it's only lightning to feed it, to keep it moving, to keep it consuming. When you stand within those fire created storms, you realize how powerless you really are. It is a humbling and beautiful moment...and it can be terrifying.

The last fire I worked on was Los Alamos, and it broke my heart to see all of those homes destroyed. I worked on the Los Alamos grounds for most of the night, and the next day they assigned me to put out some hotspots in the area where the houses burned. We were digging, tearing apart...basically doing what we had to do to make sure it didn't flare up again. A bus drove the owners of those homes by us. I will never forget the looks on their faces as I stood in the rubble. Devestation, tears, anger and shock were a few of the emotions that roamed across their faces. I felt so much guilt for digging into what was left of their life in that moment. I walked away after that fire.

That doesn't mean I still don't feel that call, and now I do more than ever. There is a fire burning a few miles from my home. I watched it grow to a major blaze within a few minutes. Our winds were between 50-70mph. They are climbing to the same today. We had to go to Montrose, so somehow they let us drive into the canyon. Bill drove next to an oak brush that suddenly flared up, and the flames licked the side of the truck. The heat filled the cab, and I knew we needed to get out of there. I saw this before, and I knew what was coming.

My sadness grew through the evening. However, it is yet another lesson from nature, from the river for me and everyone about impermanence. Nothing lasts forever, even those places that mean so much to us; that inspire us and create so many beautiful memories. Fire washes the colors out and bathes the landscape in varying shades of greys, and I must say that those grays are beautiful...such different shades with hues of blues and yellows and purples. Greens always emerge where the fire didn't touch. I can see the different ways in which the fire moved and danced through the canyon and into another. A living being doing its dance of destruction and creation.

We seem to forget this...wherever there is destruction, something new is born. I watch the oil spill, and my heart breaks with the gulf. I am crying tears for it, for the canyon, but I do know that nature is amazingly resilient. I do know that she will bring life back to places we think it is not possible. All we have to do for reminders of this is look to Mt. St. Helens where the side of a dead mountain is now filled with life again. That doesn't mean we don't take responsibility for our errors and do what we need to do on our side of it to clean up the mess...to reseed...to save lives of the animals affected....but I do know she will come back.

As I stood in the canyon looking, crying, I heard the sweet melody of the river flowing by and many, many birds singing along to her tune. I know that life will keep flowing in whatever way She creates it....

Earth Day and Art

Today is Earth Day. The first time I celebrated this day as an adult I was living in New York City. They closed down 6th Avenue/Avenue of the Americas for several blocks in Midtown and booths abounded everywhere about everything. Much was about recycling, planting trees, alternative energies, philosophy, politics and spirituality. It was an amazing day for these young eyes that felt like they were at the best feast of knowledge one could find. I bought several books, signed up for countless newsletters, and headed to Central Park to watch the free concert put on by the B-52's. Not one arrest that day, and everyone was in such a joyous, festive mood. It was fantastic!

As a kid I was always hiking in the canyon behind my elementary school looking for the mountain lion that everyone talked about, exploring the plants, smelling the wild flowers, and simply sitting and watching everything. My parents often took us caming in Oak Creek Canyon, and for me that was like heading into the mystical forests created by J.R. R. Tolkein. Of course lets not forget my beloved ocean that I spent countless days of my childhood exploring. To this day I can never get enough of simply closing my eyes and letting my other senses take over; the sounds of the waves, the smell of the salty water, the sounds of the seagulls, the natural pull and push of the ocean...I may have grown up in a city, but I was always an outdoors type of person. When I went to that Earth Day Festival in New York City, I got the itch to one day live in the woods, to let all of those concrete towers go in favor of lush trees, bears, soaring eagles, and the mountain lion that I was always trying to find.

I just got back from my daily hike into the Colorado woods, and I can't even begin to tell you my love for trees. Yes, I am a tree hugger through and through simply because I love them. They are amazing, and every time I gaze upon them, I think of our interconnection, how everything in this world needs one another; that mystical, spiritual web of life. Those beloved trees of mine create oxygen (as do all of the trees within the ocean), so we can continue to breath, and what we exhale keeps them alive. We need one another. We are part of Nature whether you want to accept that or not. We might seem so different from it all, but if you really spend some time in a park, at the zoo, in the woods, or by the ocean you will see how similar we all really are.

My art has always been about this connection, whether I knew it or not. The seeds were planted in my early childhood, and they didn't begin to grow until after my divorce from my first husband. That is when I finally gave permission to that little kid in me to start talking and expressing herself. I think ever since then I tried to show the similarities that we all share rather than the differences in hopes that it will create more compassion and loving kindness as we walk upon this Earth. Maybe someone will start recycling, maybe someone will donate money to protect the lions that are losing their habitats and are endangered....maybe someone will install a flourescent light bulb instead of the old fashioned kind. These are some of the hopes and prayers that I put into my paintings.

The differences? Oh, how these need to be appreciated and loved. What makes us different is where we can learn the most...where that compassion we just developed gets put to the test and grow stronger and stronger. The differences are where we develop true appreciation. They are nothing to be frightened of or anything that needs to generate hate or violence. They simply are there to help us broaden our horizons, explore and accept. That is when we truly walk back into our natural skins.

By the way, I came face to face with that mountain lion many years ago, and she was more beautiful than I ever imagined as a child.

So on this Earth Day what will you do to put the Earth first?

Creating Something New From the Ashes

I have grown to despise the word "should". It is a word that has haunted me all of my life, and I think it has most people. It is a word that when you break free of, so many amazing things can come in.

I hear a lot of people talking about how they want to totally get rid of an aspect of themselves, because they simply can't stand living that way anymore. I totally understand this except for the part of wanting to get rid of that aspect. Yes, that is a should whenever we think in absolutes.

Every part of you is amazing. Every part of you is a piece of a puzzle, and each piece is needed to create the whole picture or painting or sculpture. Yes, along the way we may have picked up some tools, or ways in which we react, that aren't always the most functional or healing. In fact, they create a lot of dysfunction and pain in our lives, so you are probably wondering why I would say to not get rid of it right?

Well, I am a firm believer in transformation. Living here in the Rocky Mountains, I watch transformation everyday. Nature again has been my teacher. I watch the seasons give way to one another. I see how the vibrant bud becomes an emerald green leaf, which eventually turns to yellow and red. When Winter arrives, it is finally brown and it falls from the tree to the ground where it continues to transform into soil. The butterfly first starts out as a caterpillar, creates a cocoon where it turns within two weeks into a miraculous butterfly. Everywhere you look, you will see signs of transformation.

I say don't get rid of, but embrace those aspects of you that you want to get rid of since they will be your greatest teacher. Sit down with them, treat them as you would a friend who is suffering, listen to the story, and when compassion walks into your heart, you will begin to see how to transform this aspect of yourself from something dysfunctional to functional, from something that causes pain to something that heals, and finally you won't be walking around with a big gaping hole in your life. You are now that butterfly flying around from flower to flower.

I recently faced such a moment in my life. I have been creating a lot of muck in the studio. It happens when something new wants to come out of me into the world. However, in order to let this happen, there is something I usually need to face. For me it was all of those "should's" that so many people lovingly poured upon me when I first started working as a professional artist. I admit that I was very insecure, and I listened. I listened way too well. I heard such things as I should only paint flowers, I should only paint animals, I should give up using oil pastels and only work with oil paints, and the list goes on an on.

My husband brought home a piece of copper to me during this time that he rescued from the trash. He thought I could turn it into a piece of art. I listened to one of those should's and I painted sunflowers on one side of it. However, on the other side of it, I painted my prayers without being fully aware of it. Well, I hated that piece of copper when I was done, and I stared at it for three years wondering what in the world I would ever do with it.

Suddenly, last week I knew that I needed to destroy it and then recreate from whatever survived. It was my way of transforming all of those "should's" into "could's" or possibilities. I got out a hammer, a dremel tool, and a torch. There are a lot of ways to work with copper properly, and I'll be honest, I didn't do any of them. I lightly sanded the surface leaving the paint on, but creating a texture for something to hold onto if need be. I then started working without any preconcieved ideas, and I haven't felt this free and trusting of myself in a long time. What it became is really unique, and it is something I am very happy with. I am hoping to continue working with copper and to keep turning caterpillars into butterflies.

I am calling these suncatchers.

Absorbing

Yesterday was an interesting day. We took our niece to Moab for some hikes and warmth. Our first stop was Moonglow Canyon. It is along the Colorado River, and recedes from the road into a magical canyon. The Anasazi once did ceremonies here as is evidenced by the beautiful art at the opening.

I don't know why I do this, but sometimes when I go into places such as this, I go deep into an altered state. I am mesmerized by the Spirit of the land, I can feel the ceremonies of days gone by, and everywhere I look, I see art....Great Mystery painting Her/His Soul upon the heart of the Earth Mother.

I become silent and wander off by myself as I gaze into all of these paintings....patterns in the soil, brushstrokes through the rocks, light and water dancing with one another, and yesterday I saw the remnants of Fall touching the newness of Spring.

I can feel myself walking in the tracks of the Ancient Ones, and yesterday I heard their whispers. We think they are gone, but no they are still with us; guiding us if we open our hearts to them.

Yesterday I deeply pondered the direction of my art, and They kept showing me the possibilities.

Then as if to snap me out of it, we went for a hike up to Delicate Arch in Arches National Park. The winds were stong, and the sand blasted my skin clean until it was raw and stung in my sweat. I wanted to turn back, but I was determined to make it up the hill.

Inching along a narrow rock path cut into the side of a cliff, I had no idea what was waiting for me out in the open. 60mph winds nearly blew me off the cliff. I instantly was snapped out of the altered reality of Moonglow back into the natural instinct of life. I crouched down and took some pictures, because darnit all I climbed up that rock! I stood up again, and I felt like the wind was actually lifting me up off the ground. A woman grabbed me, and I crouched back down. I was done. I was fully back in my body, and I wanted off that rock! I told Bill I was leaving, and I descended like a bat out of hell.

The entire day was a journey through so many realms of existence that somehow will find their way into my artwork and life....I am so grateful for it all...

Natural Abstraction Yet Form

I hike all over the place here in Western Colorado and Eastern Utah. I have a husband who loves to stop the car and jump out as do I. We have found some really interesting spots around here, and while he is off looking for who knows what, I am always studying patterns.

I love to look at the ice especially around Moab. The patterns that form in conjunction with the red rocks are amazing. They always take my breath away. I love to watch how the snow here in Western Colorado sparkles in the sunlight and turns into shades of blue and purples in the shade forming these gently curving patterns of color. I love to look at the rocks that have been carved by the river...with all of their interesting colors and shapes...the patterns that the water forms.

This weekend I stumbled across an old tree that fell long ago protruding through the hardened ice of spring. Upon it were the most interesting designs carved by ice, snow, rain, wind and sun...I was mesmerized, and while Bill was off playing in the river, I knelt beside it in awe. It was beautiful. It was amazing...it was a stunning piece of artwork carved by nature, carved by Spirit...carved by the beauty of the seasons. As artists, we have struggled for so long to obliterate form, to move away from it and plunge into the void of abstraction and freedom. However, as I gazed at this old tree, I realized that abstraction exists within form....they exist side by side and there is no need to obliterate one to find the other.

Humans are a species of absolutes; rarely do we allow ourselves to enjoy the wonder of the Paradox. My elder once told me that whenever I found a Paradox, I found a truth. I do believe this, and I believe this old tree taught me a Paradox today..... abstraction and form....no need to separate...enjoy and celebrate the uniqueness in which both can be expressed.

Spring and the River

I have lived here for almost 16 years. The longest I have stayed anywhere, and a lot of that has to do with the San Miguel River. It is my heaven on earth, and whenever I try to leave it, I feel it calling me back.

The river has taught me more about light and shadow and how forms are created through the two more than any art class ever has. A simple rock never looks the same throughout the day or the seasons, it is always changing. It may stay in the same spot, but light, weather, water, shadows always and forever are painting new ways of looking at the same object reminding us that nothing ever stays the same.

I have sat along the river and watched the seasons pass for several years...I've watched the ice melt and fall into the river, sap rise within the trees, leaves emerge, grass turning to green as flowers bloom in abundance while the river roars from the snow that the mountains finally let go of as they embrace Spring. Of course all of the animals are migrating...some passing through, some staying and some leaving until next winter....and then summer comes and the leaves change from that emerald green to a deep, lush green...the birds of summer are here as the chirping of the beautiful hummingbirds dance through the forests...the river is calmer, and the water warms...then Fall comes with the sap descending and the leaves change to yellows and oranges and reds...the grass becomes brown, and the river slows as the warmth begins to fade...the water becomes chilly, and the migrations have begun...and then winter blows in with a cold arctic wind, flakes fall from the sky, and all of life hibernates even if they are still roaming...ice forms along the river creating thick bridges, and everything seems to be at rest waiting for those first warm winds of Spring.

I have learned more about art simply observing all of these changes...noticing the colors as they shift and grow and fade...how light plays with all of life...and the shadows remind us of the mysteries. I have learned more about myself and my relation to this world simply by sitting underneath my favorite pine tree and listening and watching. I am so grateful to have found this place....I don't know if I will ever paint it; this area hasn't asked me to or visited me in my dreams as a painting yet....

Maybe one day when it feels I have learned what I need to learn....

Happy Spring Equinox to everyone...yes, this is early, but I don't want to be late...enjoy, go out into Nature and celebrate the beauty that surrounds you by simply sitting, listening and watching....